I have had three traumatic losses in my life, the loss of my 12 year old brother, Brian, when I was 20 years old, the loss of our colleague, Mary Lou, earlier this year, and the loss of my 3 month old grandson, Aiden, last month. There have been other people that have moved onto the next life and I do miss them dearly. Yet, nothing compares to the deep sense of loss that I felt when they left. In each case, their leaving was sudden and tragic.
I wake up in the morning and go to work, but it is with me — he is gone and I can not bring him back. I go to sleep at night and the dreams come. I have moments of peace and moments of pain. Sandwiched in between those moments there is life, dragging me along with all of its mundane details. That is one of things that I remember most about losing my brother, that the world would not stop, no matter how deep the pain, it just kept moving. The other thing I remember is that nothing was ever the same again. He touched our lives in ways that changed us forever, and sadly enough it was his death that made us realize just how deeply he impacted us in life.
I have come to post to this blog many times since Aiden died. I try to write something and then find that it is raw emotion spilled out on the page. Too raw to share today and in this forum. Those of you who have read some of my other postings know that I struggle with how much of myself to share here.
I did consider writing about other things, but it is difficult to muse about life and work when you are contemplating the deeper meaning of life and our existence here.
I would like to share that I have found myself surrounded by love and support from my family, friends, and colleagues at this time of loss. I am overwhelmed and grateful by the love that is here for me. I would also like to share that like the loss of my brother, Aiden’s loss takes me to a deep place. It is a time for me to remember what is important and why am I here. It is only in this place that I can find peace and the strength to go on in a world so filled with pain. As I write the last sentence, I think…and joy. Yes, there is such joy and such pain here. It drives me to my purpose–to be of service, to help ease suffering and yes, even to have fun, to laugh, and to love.
