You are with us now and always

Dear Amy,

You called me several months ago to tell me that Mary Lou was gone.  We both couldn’t believe it, feeling that she was ripped from us so suddenly and so painfully.

I was not prepared, when several weeks ago, someone called to tell me you were now gone.  They told me that you had left in the night, related to what looked like heart problems. 

After I got off the phone, I remembered our lunch together recently and your call to me after.  You took the time to call and make sure that I knew you were there for me.  I had been speaking of the loss of my grandson at our lunch, and wanted to make sure that I knew that I could always call you to talk. 

As the days unfolded and others called me, a theme emerged.  You took the time to call so many.  There are so many colleagues and friends that you supported, loved and connected with on a daily, weekly or monthly basis.  In the days when so many are too busy to connect in a real way with even a few, you formed such a rich circle around you, making each one of us feel special in our own way.

It came to me then, that you are with us.  The power of your love and friendship would ensure this, that you would still be with those you love. 

I also thought of a line that I heard in the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes” when Iggy spoke about Ruth. She was talking to Ruth’s son before Ruth died, and said something like, “by now you know that Angels are walking masquerading as people and your mother is one of the finest of these”.  You seemed so down to earth and practical, yet now that you are gone, I realize that you were like one of those masquerading angels.  With laughter, with openness, with thoughtfulness — you made the people around you feel so special.  Everything that comes to mind about what a true friend is, you were.

I find that you are here with me.  I have heard this saying from others in the past, that if you love someone, they are always are with you, in your heart.  I feel that you are in my heart.  I see your smile; I feel your laughter and your kindness.  You inspire me to love more, to give more, to become more involved.  Not just in the big ways, but all the little — to call my mother, brother and father more often; to call my friends; to make the time to see people; to get more involved in making a difference for my community; and, to laugh.

As with my other blog entries about things that are very real and very important to me, I have visited this entry often and thought of it even more.  Words are so inadequate to describe all you are, all you have given and how deeply you are missed by so many.  And yet, I still see your smile, still see you laughing and know it is about what you have left us.  I can’t begin to imagine all the gifts you have left for those you love.  For me, I know you have taught me the true meaning of friendship.  You taught me this with small kindnesses, with your humor, with your presence in my life through the mundane and the tragic, and most of all in witnessing the depth and breadth of the relationships you formed in your time here.  Thank you for being my friend.

The world keeps turning…but it is not the same

I have had three traumatic losses in my life, the loss of my 12 year old brother, Brian, when I was 20 years old, the loss of our colleague, Mary Lou, earlier this year, and the loss of my 3 month old grandson, Aiden, last month.  There have been other people that have moved onto the next life and I do miss them dearly.  Yet, nothing compares to the deep sense of loss that I felt when they left.  In each case, their leaving was sudden and tragic.  

I wake up in the morning and go to work, but it is with me — he is gone and I can not bring him back.  I go to sleep at night and the dreams come.  I have moments of peace and moments of pain.  Sandwiched in between those moments there is life, dragging me along with all of its mundane details.  That is one of things that I remember most about losing my brother, that the world would not stop, no matter how deep the pain, it just kept moving.  The other thing I remember is that nothing was ever the same again.  He touched our lives in ways that changed us forever, and sadly enough it was his death that made us realize just how deeply he impacted us in life. 

I have come to post to this blog many times since Aiden died.  I try to write something and then find that it is raw emotion spilled out on the page.  Too raw to share today and in this forum.  Those of you who have read some of my other postings know that I struggle with how much of myself to share here. 

I did consider writing about other things, but it is difficult to muse about life and work when you are contemplating the deeper meaning of life and our existence here. 

I would like to share that I have found myself surrounded by love and support from my family, friends, and colleagues at this time of loss.  I am overwhelmed and grateful by the love that is here for me.  I would also like to share that like the loss of my brother, Aiden’s loss takes me to a deep place.  It is a time for me to remember what is important and why am I here.  It is only in this place that I can find peace and the strength to go on in a world so filled with pain.  As I write the last sentence, I think…and joy.  Yes, there is such joy and such pain here.  It drives me to my purpose–to be of service, to help ease suffering and yes, even to have fun, to laugh, and to love.

Remembering One Who Has Gone On

It is with great sadness that I write this entry.  This week (by the time this is posted, last week) we learned that one of our team members, Mary Lou Morton, died on Monday night in a tragic accident.  During the days I think about what we can do to remember her, to honor her life here.  During the night, I wake with a deep pain in my chest still fighting a reality that I do not want to accept, willing myself to remember all that I believe about what is good and right in this world and the journey beyond.

I met Mary Lou when Alice Prather suggested she could help us with a client project a few years ago.  Alice and Mary Lou had worked together for many years and were close friends.  When I first met Mary Lou, I was struck instantly with a feeling of joy.  I came to understand that she is the kindest, sweetest person that I have ever met.  Mary Lou did go on to consult for us and the client loved her work and who she was.  Everyone who worked with her said the same thing — she is absolutely wonderful. 

I started to write this entry the evening before I went to Mary Lou’s memorial.  After going to the memorial, I learned so much about Mary Lou that I didn’t know.  She loved horses (I did know that part), she loved Harley motorcycles and country music.  The memorial was a beautiful event on her property in Tonto Basin under a very special and large tree next to her horses.  Her family, friends and colleaques laughed and cried and told stories.  Alice, who knows Mary Lou so well, said it the memorial was just like Mary Lou — warm and down to earth.   It was so clear that the many people there had the same experience of Mary Lou – to meet her was to feel you knew her and to love her.  She had a way of making everyone feel important, special and connected.  She is and will be missed so very deeply and remembered always by all who she touched during her life here — her beautiful family, friends, community and co-workers.  We love you Mary Lou.