When is the last time you had a singular focus?

^{Okay, you know how this goes.  I ask you a question, but I am really asking myself.  The last time that I have had a singular focus is…Now.  I am focused on writing this for you.  Really? Okay, not really.  I had a few stray thoughts while I was writing this to you.  The text for this entry looks smaller than it should be.  I am getting drowsy and want a snack; I am back from getting the snack now.  How many posts should I write today?  Focus is pretty tough stuff.  I love the saying “its like herding stray cats.”  That is what it feels like trying to focus sometimes.  Actually, this is what it feels like most of the time.} 

^{So, why am I writing about this today?  I decided that it is time to stop swirling and feeling pressure.  Moreover, I decided that it is time to help my team do the same.  I recognized in myself a tendency to use every spare moment (and the ones that are taken too) doing the absolute most that I could.  You know what I mean.  I check emails while I talk on the phone.  I schedule phone calls during my drive time.  I try to fit in as much as I possibly can each minute of the day.  I hate to pass up any project, internal or external, always wanting to do more, be more, meet new people, learn new things and just plain be involved.}  

^{It runs much deeper than our technology tools that allow us to “reach out and touch someone” 24/7.  I remember in college spraining my ankle when I was reading a book while walking down the stairs.  I have always wanted to fill up each minute of life with a much as I can.  So, back to my decision yesterday that the swirl and the pressure had to stop.  I have had enough of having too much.  I am tired of having more to do in a day than can possibly done.  I have spent a great deal of my professional life helping people get things done, and I LOVE this.  Some people get excited by art, new gadgets, sports, and new ideas.  I get excited about organizing and creating movement.  I love to project manage new initiatives, and while much sadder, I even feel purposeful in helping organizations close programs or downsize when needed.  I feel an adrenaline rush when I get to put together 100s of documents and stacks of binders and coordinate really complex initiatives.  I make sure that I tell any CEO who will listen that I can help them organize their work space because I LOVE having all of their documents and systems to organize.   Of course, I spend lots of time talking to leaders about how to do more.  It is usually about trying to fit 100 hours of work in 60 hours, or something variation of that.}

However, for me, I have decided that I don’t want to do it anymore.  I want less, not more.  I want to to focus SINGULARLY.  I want to focus on the QUALITY and OUTCOME of my action rather than run around like a hamster on wheel, always trying to get somewhere — but staying in the same place. I decided to do this today and guess what?  It is HARD.  As I do one thing, I think of a bunch of others. As I talk to a team member about one project, I want to talk to them about 3 more.  I teach others how to be great leaders and yet, I find as I look around that I continually ask more and more of my team while giving them very little time to FOCUS on what I have asked. For me, it was a wake up call.  The call said FOCUS and allow your team to FOCUS.

Did I have success today? I think that I have.  This morning I set my daily priorities (I told you that I love to organize).  I picked three priorities and agreed if anything else came up that I would triage it.  If it couldn’t wait, I would add it to my list.  If it could, it would go on a parking lot for consideration tomorrow.  I have completed two of my three tasks.  One new thing came up that I felt needed to be added; I added this to my list and completed it.  Everything else waits for tomorrow.  This isn’t where the dramatic difference came though.  After all, most of us have tried ump-teen ways to prioritize our tasks.  It was in the quality of interaction.  It was in the discipline of singular focus.  It was in taking time to breath, to center, to think about what I was doing and to allow myself to do only that particular thing in that particular moment. Try it.  It will blow your mind, or actually, it will free your mind from pressure, stress and swirling.  It is about bringing the NOW concepts so often talked about in a variety of spiritual paths into the work place.  It is allowing yourself to be in the moment, doing what you have decided is a priority in the moment.  Like so many other things in life, it is about a mastery process, rather than an event.  Would you like to join me in taking up this journey? The journey of SINGULARLY FOCUSING on doing what you are doing in your work life?  If so, I would love to hear your ideas and how it is going.  Which reminds me, I would like to send a BIG thank you to all of you emailing me and calling me to tell me you are reading my blog and getting something from it.  As I have shared in posts and when we have spoken, it still feels risky for me to be so open and honest in this forum, so your encouragement means so much. 

So, when is the last time you had singular focus? What does it matter. That is the past.  The real question is: What are you focused on NOW?

 

Have you ever seen a bird with a sugar packet?

I have.  In fact, I saw a bird carrying a sugar packet this afternoon.  I walked out of a Japanese restaurant, a very good one for those of you in Phoenix, AZ, Shiro at Shea and 32nd.  As I was walking to my car, I noticed a small brown bird (not a really tiny small bird, but much smaller than a crow).  So anyway, I notice that this bird is hopping around with a natural sugar packet in his or her mouth.  I know it was a natural sugar packet, because that is the kind that I like to use (the brown ones with ”raw” sugar).  I stop walking to watch the bird.  My business and life partner, Jeff, is with me.  He notices that I have stopped to watch the bird.  I say, “hey look, that bird has a sugar packet in it’s mouth”.  He is not nearly as interested in me, but he also stops to watch the bird.  We notice that the bird has now put the sugar packet in water and is turning it over and over in the water.  Jeff says, “he is doing that on purpose to get the sweet out.”  I say, “really, do you think so?”  I keep watching the bird and sure enough, it starts pecking at the sugar packet to break it open.  If definitely looks like the bird got the packet wet on purpose, so it would open more easily.  Seeing this, Jeff says, “that isn’t the first sugar packet he has had.”  I am not quite ready to leave, but I walk away then. 

So, a few things happened.  It felt good to connect with the bird.  Even though she didn’t notice me, I noticed her.  For a moment in my day, I was aware of my surroundings.  Secondly, I thought to myself, “birds must be smart.”  You know, I have never thought of the brain functioning of a bird until today.  I was going to come up with a third point, but somehow two seems sufficient for a story about a bird and a sugar packet. 

Have you seen anything in your environment that you would like to share? I would love to hear about it.

How is a great leader made?

We talk a lot about leading these days.  I do anyway.  I am not sure how much everyone else thinks about it.  I think about it everyday.  I wonder how I can be a better leader.  I wonder what makes a great leader.  Can Harvard professors and others dissect it into a formula that anyone can follow?  These days, I mainly think about how I can help leaders succeed and how I can help aspiring leaders be just that — leaders.  Of course, that takes me to the age old question of whether leaders are born or made.  I have come to believe that while many a leader is born, that they can be and often are made.  Now, does this mean that every person can become a leader?  Yes!

After all, think about what “lead” means:

To show the way to by going in advance. (www.answer.com)

 While a “leader” is:

One that leads or guides. (www.answer.com)

It is my hope that we can all lead and guide ourselves and others to a better place.  The body of literature and research on leadership attests to its importance in our lives.  I thought that if I learned enough about leadership that I would find THE ANSWER.  The question being, “How do we become great leaders?”  Two things happened when I tried: 1) I learned that there are more books on leadership than I can read in a lifetime; 2) As I read, I learned that I am not going to find THE ANSWER, but rather multiple views on what people THINK the answer is, meaning lots of people have lots of ideas on what makes a leader great.

The books are written by really smart people; they seem really smart to me when I read what they have to say.  A lot of them are backed up by what seems like solid research.  So, why have we not found and agreed upon THE ANSWER? 

Well, I am playing around with the idea that one answer does not exist.  What if there are many paths to becoming a leader?  There must be, right?

I think the most important component for becoming a great leader is this: The desire to be a great leader.  It is our desire for leading others well that takes us to the starting point of our journey.  From that starting point, I think we find the information and approach that best suits us.  So in the end, it isn’t about one size fits all.  It is about the lifetime leadership journey.  That’s right – lifetime.  We continue to grow and master leading for as long as we chose to stay on the learning path.  To me, that is how a great leader is made – one self aware step at a time.

You are with us now and always

Dear Amy,

You called me several months ago to tell me that Mary Lou was gone.  We both couldn’t believe it, feeling that she was ripped from us so suddenly and so painfully.

I was not prepared, when several weeks ago, someone called to tell me you were now gone.  They told me that you had left in the night, related to what looked like heart problems. 

After I got off the phone, I remembered our lunch together recently and your call to me after.  You took the time to call and make sure that I knew you were there for me.  I had been speaking of the loss of my grandson at our lunch, and wanted to make sure that I knew that I could always call you to talk. 

As the days unfolded and others called me, a theme emerged.  You took the time to call so many.  There are so many colleagues and friends that you supported, loved and connected with on a daily, weekly or monthly basis.  In the days when so many are too busy to connect in a real way with even a few, you formed such a rich circle around you, making each one of us feel special in our own way.

It came to me then, that you are with us.  The power of your love and friendship would ensure this, that you would still be with those you love. 

I also thought of a line that I heard in the movie “Fried Green Tomatoes” when Iggy spoke about Ruth. She was talking to Ruth’s son before Ruth died, and said something like, “by now you know that Angels are walking masquerading as people and your mother is one of the finest of these”.  You seemed so down to earth and practical, yet now that you are gone, I realize that you were like one of those masquerading angels.  With laughter, with openness, with thoughtfulness — you made the people around you feel so special.  Everything that comes to mind about what a true friend is, you were.

I find that you are here with me.  I have heard this saying from others in the past, that if you love someone, they are always are with you, in your heart.  I feel that you are in my heart.  I see your smile; I feel your laughter and your kindness.  You inspire me to love more, to give more, to become more involved.  Not just in the big ways, but all the little — to call my mother, brother and father more often; to call my friends; to make the time to see people; to get more involved in making a difference for my community; and, to laugh.

As with my other blog entries about things that are very real and very important to me, I have visited this entry often and thought of it even more.  Words are so inadequate to describe all you are, all you have given and how deeply you are missed by so many.  And yet, I still see your smile, still see you laughing and know it is about what you have left us.  I can’t begin to imagine all the gifts you have left for those you love.  For me, I know you have taught me the true meaning of friendship.  You taught me this with small kindnesses, with your humor, with your presence in my life through the mundane and the tragic, and most of all in witnessing the depth and breadth of the relationships you formed in your time here.  Thank you for being my friend.

The world keeps turning…but it is not the same

I have had three traumatic losses in my life, the loss of my 12 year old brother, Brian, when I was 20 years old, the loss of our colleague, Mary Lou, earlier this year, and the loss of my 3 month old grandson, Aiden, last month.  There have been other people that have moved onto the next life and I do miss them dearly.  Yet, nothing compares to the deep sense of loss that I felt when they left.  In each case, their leaving was sudden and tragic.  

I wake up in the morning and go to work, but it is with me — he is gone and I can not bring him back.  I go to sleep at night and the dreams come.  I have moments of peace and moments of pain.  Sandwiched in between those moments there is life, dragging me along with all of its mundane details.  That is one of things that I remember most about losing my brother, that the world would not stop, no matter how deep the pain, it just kept moving.  The other thing I remember is that nothing was ever the same again.  He touched our lives in ways that changed us forever, and sadly enough it was his death that made us realize just how deeply he impacted us in life. 

I have come to post to this blog many times since Aiden died.  I try to write something and then find that it is raw emotion spilled out on the page.  Too raw to share today and in this forum.  Those of you who have read some of my other postings know that I struggle with how much of myself to share here. 

I did consider writing about other things, but it is difficult to muse about life and work when you are contemplating the deeper meaning of life and our existence here. 

I would like to share that I have found myself surrounded by love and support from my family, friends, and colleagues at this time of loss.  I am overwhelmed and grateful by the love that is here for me.  I would also like to share that like the loss of my brother, Aiden’s loss takes me to a deep place.  It is a time for me to remember what is important and why am I here.  It is only in this place that I can find peace and the strength to go on in a world so filled with pain.  As I write the last sentence, I think…and joy.  Yes, there is such joy and such pain here.  It drives me to my purpose–to be of service, to help ease suffering and yes, even to have fun, to laugh, and to love.

Being Real

Today I am experiencing being real.  I have written several times on themes related to this and most recently wrote about firing the critic.  There is an irony involved in “trying to be real”.  The minute you are “trying”, do you cease to “be”?  Let’s just let that one swirl around a bit and move on…

So in “being real”, I notice that fear of judgment comes up.  What will others think of me?  Will they think I am too loud, too controlling, too harsh, too soft.  Will I look foolish?  If I write that book, will anyone read it?  Will they think it is good?  If I put together that speech and practice, will anyone want me to speak?  Will anyone show up?  What if I step out and fall flat? 

Can I really add to the already incredibly large body of knowledge about leadership and team development?  And why do I have this burning passion to do just that?  Is it only the people from Harvard and Yale that get to help us be better, healthier, and more productive? 

It is a seemingly endless stream of sludge.  It is false and it drives us, some of us anyway.  Some days it is hidden and completely silent. Other days it whispers and yet others it yells, it sabotages, it triggers fear and doubt, despair and worst of all inaction.  

So what is my answer? Laugh, laugh loud and laugh long and then step anyway.  Write anyway.  Speak anyway.  Call that person you want to learn from anyway.  Volunteer for that project you want to be a part of anyway.  Stand up and be, anyway.  Relax and be. 

There are so many directions we can go with this.  Let’s just leave it at this: We are here.  We all have different ideas on how we got here, but we are here, experiencing this life, attempting to live and work together.  So let’s just say there is a place for all of us, that we all have as much right to breathe the air, to live, to love, to contribute, and to be. 

So here I am, filled with a passion for helping, being of service, and leading.  I have a burning desire to write, to speak, and to share about the honor and responsibility that comes with leadership, about how we can all work together in a healthy and productive way, and how ultimately it is genuine collaboration that builds the foundations for our organizations, systems and communities.  Will they read what I write? Will they come to hear me speak?  Will they allow me the privilege of advising and consulting for their organizations when I don’t pretend that I know everything?  You see, I just can’t pretend anymore.  You are the first to know.  This is the place it is revealed, a blog.  Who would have thought that as I typed the truth would find its way to this page.  Not the ultimate “truth”, because I don’t have that to offer, but my truth, for this day, for this moment. 

I hope you are well as you read this.  I hope you remember your dreams or perhaps are even living them.  I hope you are comfortable in your own skin and know who you are and what you are here to do.  I hope you are fabulously successful and filled to the brim with joy.  Whatever day you read this, I hope it is a most wonderful day for you.

Lesson #1: Fire the Critic

Hi All. Thanks for visiting my blog.  It is still an adventure for me, a blogging adventure.  It is writing to people, you in this moment, without knowing what you think, that makes it most challenging.  Which brings me to Lesson #1, Fire the Critic.  It is my lesson, meaning the lesson that I need to learn.  It is lesson #1 because I think it is the lesson I need to learn above all others at the moment. 

I don’t remember what famous or brilliant person came up with the idea, the idea of firing the critic, but I know it wasn’t me.  All the same, today is a great day to embrace this concept.  I don’t know where the critic came from.  It appears to be some conglomeration of our own negative thoughts and every person that every told us what we should or shouldn’t do (similar to the judge in the Don Miguel Ruiz’s “The Four Agreements”). 

On the surface, I think I look pretty bold a majority of the time.  I actually love boldness, the strength and purity of it.  There is not a lot of time to think about what you should and shouldn’t be when you are being bold, because it is just that, being…

However, you may have caught that I said, “I THINK I look pretty bold a majority of the time”.  Meaning, you got it, if you are THINKING that you LOOK bold, you are in all likelihood not being bold.  Which takes us back to our critic, or mine at least.  I am really sick of him/her/it.  I want to do more.  I want to be more and in response I feel something coming up from deep inside, fear.  Fear that I will fail.  Fear that I won’t look like I know what I am doing.  Fear that I won’t be one of the ones.  You know, the ones that are a brilliant success.  

What do I spend my professional time doing? Consulting and leading a consultant team.  Aren’t consultant’s experts?  Well, we know a thing or two, but actually we all do.  As a consultant, we have the honor of being an objective set of ears and eyes in that slice of time, for that particular client.  If being a consultant means you resign from the human race and no longer have to deal with the inner critic (we both know that is not the case), than I need to find another profession (which I don’t feel inclined to do, because I love helping organizations and the leaders and staff that breathe life into them).  So here I am, spending most of my professional time looking like I know what I am doing (I hope so anyway), often thinking, what should I do? What do I say in this moment to help this group, this leader, this team. 

It is so unpredictable.  The world is full of experts and books that say “do this”.  What if the truth is that human behavior is unpredictable, team dynamics complex, funding and market forces swiftly and constantly changing, leadership a life long journey of mastery?  What if no one knows exactly what we are supposed to do?  What if it is all one great, messy experiment called life? 

Did you think I had forgotten the critic?  I wish.  No, he/she/it is there, is here with me.  Wispering as I write this:  are you being too open?; are you rambling to much?; will they think less of you?; why are you revealing personal stuff in a professional blog?; why can’t you separate you personal self from your professional self?; should you try?

There is another voice whispering.  It says, write.  Write whatever you want.  Be who you are, be who you want to be.  I like that voice the best.  The critic robs.  I see it all around as people struggle to feel good, really good about themselves and who they are.  And I wonder, do we find it so challenging to truly accept others because we often fail to accept ourselves.  The people that look so confident and self assured, are they really?  I hope so.  I hope we all can find that genuine place where we can be ourselves and accept one another. For me it is time, time to step out and be more.  To speak, to write, to share, to be of service in a bigger way, with much less thought for how I look to others and much more about the people in front of me. 

So let’s have a party and celebrate. Let’s fire the critic.  And if he/she/it tries to sneak back…well that is a blog entry for another day. Have a great day!

Being yourself…

Let’s stick with this theme for for another post.  I think it is all inter-related, being yourself, living boldly, being able to say no to things you don’t want in your personal or professional life.  It is about how genuine you are.  After all, what does genuine mean?

Merriam-Webster OnLine Search states that one meaning of genuine is: “actually produced by or proceeding from the alleged source or author <the signature is genuine>”.   To me that means that being yourself is about thinking, speaking and acting from your own script, not someone else’s.  

How does this relate to our professional life?  I think it starts first with your career choice.  Are you working in the field that most interests you? Do you have the education that you are most passionate about?  Does your daily work life interest you and fulfill you? The list goes on and on.  Basically do you know who you are and what you want? Are you living it or at the very least going after it?

The questions roll off the keyboard and onto this screen.  The answers are tougher, especailly if you are brutally honest with yourself.  What to do, if you find some of the imporant answers being NO, is even tougher.  

I think the first thing we can do is allow ourselves to ask the questions and realize that the answers don’t mean we have to change our lives today, though of course we can.  We can set about answering the other side, if you don’t like your job, what job do you think you would like?  After we understand who we are and what we want, then we can figure out how to get there — in a planful way. 

So professionally speaking, I think we can, one step at a time, create a situation that allows us to be more genuine about who we are.  We can create an environment where we can truly use our gifts and talents, speak from our hearts and minds and passionately be who we are.      

Stepping out and living boldly–Ready, set, go!

Okay, tagging on to the last thought of what would happen if we stopped doing what we don’t want to…

I came up with a better thought (I think–you tell me if you agree), what would happen if we started doing what we want?  I am thinking, like, why not?  What is it we have to lose anyway?  Fame, fortune, the admiration of our friends?  Love, approval, peace? Will we be laughed at, rejected for REALLY showing up?  Boldly being who we are? Do we know who we are?  Tell me–why is it that we spend so much time telling our children, our friends, and our family what we think they should do with their lives?  Why is it we spend so much time telling ourselves what we can’t do, what might not work and shrinking from boldly being who we are?  Okay-maybe you don’t do that and I am talking about myself again.  However, I have a deep suspicion that if I am talking about me, I am not alone.  I have decided, WHY?!??  More importantly, I think it would be a REALLY fantastic idea if we would stop hiding, being who we think others want us to be and in general resign from playing it safe and STEP OUT AND LIVE BOLDLY.  What does this look like? Let’s make a list of possible approaches.

1. Find your voice and use it.  Say what you want to say, from the heart, from your mind, just say it.
2. Be a dreamer and dream BIG.
3. Do something every day, every moment if you can, to live your dream.
4. Laugh loudly and keep laughing when they look at you.
5. Walk around the neighborhood and sing loudly to the songs on your iPod.
6. Dance anywhere you feel like dancing, like the grocery store isle, the streets, your backyard.
7. Write a book. Paint a picture. CREATE something.
8. Talk to everyone you see and smile even if they don’t smile back.
9. Say no when you want to say no and yes when you want to say yes.
10. Did I say, laugh out loud?

So here is to stepping out and living boldly–all the best to you if you decide to try it.  If you are already doing, please give us tips on living life as yourself.  I for one have decided to write my own play entitled the life of Zohreh and cast myself as the star.  Z

Why do we do what we don’t want to and what would happen if we didn’t?

Does the question make sense to you?  It makes sense to me because I am doing too many things that I don’t want to do.  I am not sure when I started this practice and I am even more unsure of how to end it.  Does it matter how it started? For someone who has spent the majority of their career focused on human behavior and system dynamics, I may put too little stock in the past.  I tend to focus on the here and now and the future.  Why?  Well, that’s a question for another day.  For today, let’s get back to the question at hand, more specifically the first question: why do we do what we don’t want to do?

Well, I could start with answering, why do I do what I don’t want to do, but that feels a little too personal.  After all, this blog is a reflection of my professional, wholistic self, not my deeply intimate personal self — so let’s stick to the general question.  I have some thoughts:

1. We are taught to be nice.
2. We are taught part of being nice, is making other people happy.
3. Other people tend to be happiest when we are doing what they want us to do.
4. The world appears to be divided up into two major groups (a gross over simplification, but let’s run with it).  Group 1 includes those people that have a strong need to please others and have a difficult time saying no when they want to say no, and group 2 includes those people that have a strong need to please themselves and have a difficult time saying yes when they want to say no. Did you follow number 4? I am making this up as I go along and I am not sure I have the groups right, but it will get the discussion started.  Why do some people need to please others more than themselves?  I don’t think we can say one group is more selfish than the other.  Some would argue that the group 2, the group who can easily say no when they don’t want to do something, that this group is on to something.  Okay, back to the why some need to please others more than themselves.  Let’s just say that particular piece of the puzzle is as yet unsolved but we suspect it has something to do with our environmental experiences.  Do you believe this?  I am not sure that I do.  I think it is very complex and linked to the essense of who we are as well as environmental experiences.  Is there a number 5?  I think so. 
5. Some people don’t take no exceptionally well, putting pressure on group 1, the group having a hard time saying no, to do things they don’t want to do.
6. We live in an extremely inter-dependent world and thus it becomes difficult to seperate ourselves from the needs of others.
7. We become accustomed to living our lives by the wishes and judgements of others and it becomes increasingly difficult to figure out exactly what it is we want.
8. We don’t want to hurt other people by saying things like, “Thanks for the invitation, but I don’t really want to see you again” or “I am sorry I have to go.  I can’t be part of a conversation involving gossip about another person.”
9. We are afraid.  Afraid if we are truthful that we will destroy those around us, our relationships and the fabric of our personal and professional lives built around carefully constructed illusions.  I would say more about this one, but it would border on the deeply intimate instead of the professionally wholistic.
10. Somehow we started it and now we don’t know how to stop.

Part 2, what would happen if we stopped. Well now that is just plain interesting.  Let’s leave that for another day.